Can't believe it's been 3 yrs.... should I say 3yrs of losing him or 3 yrs of having him in my memory.
Yes, this day wells up my eyes and heart. I can't stop thinking how he would have looked. How his voice would have been, how naughty he would have been. I never shared the feeling of his loss with my daughter. Instead I kept telling her that I was happy to have her and that I'm fine because of her but she felt I hadn't acknowledged the loss of Adyuth and I had forgotten him which would make him sad. I had to explain her that I did not forget him even for a moment but I just didn't want her to get upset because I was upset. I realised, she felt better being open and normal about Adyuth, it made her realise I loved both of them equally because, although he is gone he means so much to her and she keeps talking to me about him. When she sees an annoying brother of her friend she says she wonders if Adyuth would have been like that. She says she pretends to have him around sometimes as it makes her feel better.
The other day we had friends visit us and they had 2 kids, a girl who was a year older to my daughter and a boy who was my daughter's age. She came to me and said, "younger brothers are so annoying, I know how Adyuth would have been". I observed that she liked to spend more time with the boy than the girl. She enjoyed annoying him back and stroking his hair. I saw her stroking the hair of my other friend's son who was 5yr old. I see she misses Adyuth and yearns to have him back. I teach her to carry on with the memories he left us with.
A few weeks before I was watching a Netflix series about after life, I saw an episode where people shared their experiences of their departed loved ones visiting them in some way or the other. Although we always related the fantail bird to Adyuth that episode reassured me that it was Adyuth indeed. Some people may think it's humbug but one has to truly experience something like this to be able to believe.
Losing a child is terrible for any mum, especially when you know the baby died because of medical negligence. As mum I tried to find ways of how I could have saved him, felt guilty knowing I could have prevented his death and blamed me for not being cautious, I blamed myself for believing the midwife and the healthcare system which let me down. Trying to prove this fact has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'm still struggling with this. Although they did accept there was some mistakes they deem that to be a small error. They did not want to accept it was a critical error, they just termed it as miscommunication and a busy day at the hospital however, I'm glad at least that they have some system in place to make sure they don't repeat the same mistake they did with me. I don't want any mum to go back home without the baby. It just rips the heart apart.
I want to make the life of my son count. I want him to be remembered. Although he stayed with us, within me for only 9 months, his existence was definitely for a reason. My body is his resting place always, he took his first and his last breath inside me and he left a symbol of his life on me. He truly is an Angel and I love my son beyond words.
If you are a mum sailing on the same boat as I am please know that you are not alone. For others, if you know family who have lost their child please be supportive.
As always I want to use this opportunity to raise funds for a great cause.
Please visit, donate/Share:
The other day we had friends visit us and they had 2 kids, a girl who was a year older to my daughter and a boy who was my daughter's age. She came to me and said, "younger brothers are so annoying, I know how Adyuth would have been". I observed that she liked to spend more time with the boy than the girl. She enjoyed annoying him back and stroking his hair. I saw her stroking the hair of my other friend's son who was 5yr old. I see she misses Adyuth and yearns to have him back. I teach her to carry on with the memories he left us with.
A few weeks before I was watching a Netflix series about after life, I saw an episode where people shared their experiences of their departed loved ones visiting them in some way or the other. Although we always related the fantail bird to Adyuth that episode reassured me that it was Adyuth indeed. Some people may think it's humbug but one has to truly experience something like this to be able to believe.
Losing a child is terrible for any mum, especially when you know the baby died because of medical negligence. As mum I tried to find ways of how I could have saved him, felt guilty knowing I could have prevented his death and blamed me for not being cautious, I blamed myself for believing the midwife and the healthcare system which let me down. Trying to prove this fact has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'm still struggling with this. Although they did accept there was some mistakes they deem that to be a small error. They did not want to accept it was a critical error, they just termed it as miscommunication and a busy day at the hospital however, I'm glad at least that they have some system in place to make sure they don't repeat the same mistake they did with me. I don't want any mum to go back home without the baby. It just rips the heart apart.
I want to make the life of my son count. I want him to be remembered. Although he stayed with us, within me for only 9 months, his existence was definitely for a reason. My body is his resting place always, he took his first and his last breath inside me and he left a symbol of his life on me. He truly is an Angel and I love my son beyond words.
If you are a mum sailing on the same boat as I am please know that you are not alone. For others, if you know family who have lost their child please be supportive.
As always I want to use this opportunity to raise funds for a great cause.
Please visit, donate/Share:
~ Sree
Comments
Post a Comment