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Adyuth's 4th Anniversary


 This day 4yrs ago changed my life forever. I can remember every detail as if it happened yesterday. I can't believe it's been 4yrs already.

I did struggle yesterday not to remember the painful events that lead to his demise. For some reason, I felt I was comparatively stronger last year around this time. I guess the wound does not heal completely after all and that it does prick once a while.
I couldn't help but think how my daughter and my son would have gotten along if he were alive. I started to imagine scenarios and their reactions and behaviours until I started to cry and it was only then I reminded myself to stop and return back to the reality. I chose to wear the dress that I wore the last time he was alive and moving within me. I never regarded this dress special until today suddenly....
I try my best to think the best of Adyuth so I can smile everytime I am reminded of him, but it's not something that's in my control. I realised I do keep wavering, yet im sane enough to remind myself to come back to the present so I don't fall into the well of depression.
Something interesting also happened recently. One of my friends had a baby and the first time I visited the baby I was very excited, shaky. I had no clue why, and then he smiled at me and I was more excited and I couldn't be around him for long. I was completely alright the second time I saw the baby though. Babies have always been my stress buster but now it's more than ever before.
I have met mothers who have travelled my path over the past year and we do share our feelings, would this have kindled my emotions? The constant battle in my head about wanting to have a baby and the reassurance from other mums that it is healing and the practicalities of my life hindering it be the reason? May be but I'm still not sure.
We also visited the crematorium like we do every year on his anniversary and this time I had to wait long enough to see a Fantail. It's become kind of a tradition or rather an expectation for me to catch a glimpse of the bird on his Anniversary and I wondered how would I cope up if I couldn't see one. It sounded silly yet I was stubborn to spot one.
Anyways, on the whole this day,  this year has been the worst. My wound is clearly not healed but I will have to make peace with it. Find ways to keep me sane. I think the message I learnt this year is that it's ok to feel the pain again, to get lost for a while but it's not ok to sink in, no matter how hard it is to float,  keep trying.
On this note,  below is the fundraising I aim for this year.  Please be as generous as possible,  share and contribute. Thanks.

 https://givealittle.co.nz/fundraiser/in-memory-of-adyuth-as-he-turns-4

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