21/04/2018 was the worst day ever in my life... The day I heard the 4 words that ended the life I had, 4 words that changed who I was..., "There is no Heartbeat". I had never even imagined it would happen to me, for he was such an active baby!
He was a miracle baby from the very beginning, More than a coincidence, I had the same LMP for him as my daughter who just turned 7 two days ago. The date I went to confirm pregnancy with a doctor was same, Due date was different by 1 day though but the date they planned to induce me was the due date given to my daughter.
It was a very difficult pregnancy for me compared to my first one. First, me being in a different country for the first ever time and I had just started on a job, secondly I was vomiting a lot and I had a 5 year old to take care, I hated almost all food, I just ate avocado and banana for the first 3 months. This lil bub inside me was very needy! while I did not have any cravings with my first one this one was nothing but cravings, especially South Indian Brahmin food was all he needed. I was almost always tired and became very sedentary. I used to cry for certain foods which in no way was available here. I used to smell certain foods out of nowhere and would start crying to have them. With my first baby my husband seldom knew how to take care of me which was usual but this one made sure he got everything done for him! Unable to see me crying for food my husband learnt to make those dishes and gave me, I craved for jalebies which wasn't available in the town we live but then an Indian Grocery shop started selling them freshly made, I also got to eat my favorite Rasmalai!!! I was craving for chats which was again not available then but a kind restaurant bhayya cooked pav bhaji exclusively for me! I was craving for idli and one of our friend served me some! The only thing I was constantly craving was for dahi puri and that as well was fulfilled by my hubby who brought me some all the way from Auckland! I had the best birthday ever that year where I experienced the first snow rain in my life and many more memories to Cherish! Despite of my pregnancy being hard I felt like a Queen! I felt special each day! I felt proud being a mom again as it it was something special bestowed only upon me. Every month went very slowly for me and my husband, we would feel like," Oh we still have 4 months to go". When my colleagues used to ask me how far I was I used to tell them the remaining days precisely like "I still have 109 days to go" and they would laugh. As much as I was enjoying being treated like a Queen I was also getting impatient as every day seemed like it had more than 24hrs. Even before the trend of Maternity Photoshoot started I wished I had one like that when I was pregnant with my daughter and wanted a new born photoshoot as well but couldn't, so I fulfilled that wish as well with an awesome maternity photoshoot! I am happy as those were the frozen moments captured of my beautiful Son while he was still alive! While I felt so overwhelming with all that was happening this time and with my due date getting closer I was eagerly waiting for my lil one's arrival!
It was just about midnight on the 19th April, I wasn't asleep yet, My husband was at work that night and my daughter woke up asking me for some water. I wished her Happy Birthday as it was 19th already and told her that her baby brother will be born any time soon and he will be her birthday gift and he might even be born on her birthday and just as I said that I felt some gushing and I knew I was bleeding. I rang my midwife immediately who asked me to monitor the flow and the contractions. I called my family and informed them and asked them to pray but nothing progressed over the night and I slept off. The next morning my midwife rang and enquired how I was and asked me to come over for a CTG, she checked my CTG and said the baby was fine and sent me home. I was booked for inducing on the 26th April if I did not go into labor myself. I came home and rest of the day passed by. On 20th April the day started as usual but by evening I felt very tired and slept early. my husband said he fed me dinner that evening which I cannot recollect till now. The next day I woke up at 11am which was quiet unusual and I felt my tummy was not the usual, the upper part of my tummy was soft while the lower part felt as hard as a stone and I couldn't feel him move as well. I thought may be I should try having breakfast and see if he wakes up but that did not help either, thats when I called my midwife and told her who gave me some instructions and watch for half an hour and call back, no changes so I called her again, she asked me to go to the Maternity ward in the hospital and said she was in the outskirts and would come to see me soon. I went alone to the hospital as my hubby was not at home. One of the midwife checked for the heartbeat but did not say anything, then the Obstetrician registrar came and did a check and this time I felt something was not right and asked her what was it and thats when she gave me those words that will be etched in my heart till I die...,"Sorry, There is no Heartbeat". It took a minute for me to realise it was true and I was not dreaming, she said I will be taken for a proper scan before they confirm it and thats when my husband came and heard the news, we were shattered with disbelief and shock and thats when my midwife entered and gave the most inappropriate and careless reason ever for my baby's death. YES... my baby died because my midwife did not notice the obvious changes in me. The scan showed that the water level was very minimum and later after the C-section the Ob/Gyn said that there was cord around the neck and that might have been the cause of death. But I told them that cord around neck could have been secondary to my water loss as the cord tends to strangle if water level becomes less for which they had no answer. Slowly everything started sinking into my mind... how I did not raise any concern about every missed signal that I gave my midwife. With my first pregnancy as well there was unexplained loss of water towards the end of pregnancy that was picked up by my Ob/Gyn in India because they scanned and they took me in for an Emergency C-Section and that's why my baby girl made it to this world. Whereas with my 2nd pregnancy I did not raise concern because I believed in my midwife which she proved was very wrong. From day one of seeing her she never checked my weight, when I told her about my first delivery and offered her to see my previous discharge summary she said I could show that to the Ob/Gyn when she refers me to them. To top it all during 2nd week of April I went to ED as I felt very dehydrated and sick and I was advised to call my midwife and when I called her she asked me to drink lots of fluids take paracetamol and asked me to go home. Later she messaged me to check my sugar level (I had gestational diabetes) when I sent her the reading she texted back with doubt if it was within the same levels and advised me to keep monitoring the sugar levels. 2 days later when I went to see her on my usual appointment I told her how disappointed I was with the way she responded to me she said it was nothing related to pregnancy and it was something for the ED to sort out but back then she did not ask me to see any doctor she just advised me and asked me to go home and she did not comment anything when I told her I had lost nearly 2kgs within a week(I had been monitoring my weight by myself).
After my baby's death I thought, may be if I had insisted on her comment about weightloss... may be if I had changed my midwife after how she treated me that day, may be if I had insisted her to get me scanned on the 19th... perhaps my son would be alive. When I told about this to the Ob/Gyn he said CTG is a proof for a healthy baby for 3 days and I asked him, it says that if the water level gets minimum the baby has to be taken out within 24hrs for survival what is the proof for the water levels then? Especially when I have mentioned I had a similar experience with my previous pregnancy? where is your holistic approach? He had no answer for that. I realised that during pregnancy I tend to become less vigilant and I felt guilty about myself. I self blamed me for killing my son and the depression I faced for months after that.... I saw a different me... People who know me well know me that i'm usually a very strong person but my son's loss shook me from my roots.
Perhaps God wanted to increase my strength more... he decided to test me by sending babies everyday to my work place and by seeing them I felt my raw wound burn, their cry would crunch my stomach but I had to put up a brave face as I was at work. I got to see a girl child born the same day as my son died. I was working at night that day and the baby was 4 months and 8 days old then, when I ask for details as usual and when the mum said her date of birth I literally skipped a beat. I did the paper work, hid myself behind the door so I could wipe my tears, The baby had to stay for 2 hours in front of my eyes before she could get seen and those two hours I could not concentrate on my work, every time she cried I felt my stomach churn. I wanted to just lift her and cuddle her but I was not allowed to, the next day I started having migraine and suffered for 2 days with it. To top it all I had 16 of my friends, relative and colleagues get pregnant or deliver a child within a span of 6 months of this happening to me. Although I was happy for all of them I used to have a sense of fear within me until I knew the baby was born!
I had lost my confidence, my strength, my will power, and I had a fight with God. I was normal one minute, depressed the other, maniac the next. Although I tried my level best to hide it from my daughter I gave a tough time to my husband. We tried seeking psychological help but in vain.... after about 9 months I started realizing the amount of pressure I was giving my family, I realized that I was the backbone of the family and me being shattered resulted in the health of my husband and my daughter. That's when I started to motivate me to change myself, I reminded myself of the responsibility I had. I started to browse and listen for motivating speech that suited me. I spent more time with my daughter and realised how much she missed me and I told myself that I am going to bring justice to whatever happened to my son and I slowly started working towards it. It took me 9 months to draft a letter of the incident without loosing my sanity and all of a sudden I realised... with whatever happened despite of the fact how it happened perhaps it was destined that he would be in my life only for 9 months and perhaps thats why those 9 months felt like ages to me, he brought me and my husband so much happiness in those 9 months, miracles that only we could realise, he fulfilled all my wishes and made me feel like a Queen, he loved me so much... perhaps thats why he breathed his last within me so he could stay with me forever!
And today be it his 1st birthday or his 1st Anniversary I thank God for bringing that lil miracle into me, there is a reason for everything that happens in our life and I will soon learn the reason for this as well and he keeps me motivated, proves he is within me as today when I visited the place where he was cremated for the first time and as I randomly took the picture of the place that my husband said was where he was cremated a tiny little bird came flying by near us and my husband said this was the same bird that came and sat on my son's coffin the day he was cremated and the people around there said that my son was a blessed soul as the bird is a sign of a good omen! The bird hovered around us for a while before disappearing and we indeed felt his presence!!!
It would not be fair of me if I did not mention about people apart from my family who helped me cope up with my loss... My friends and Colleagues, my GP and the amazing midwife who took over after my delivery. Thank you all for your understanding and your support. I would also like to thank BABYLOSSNZ who do an amazing job of creating frozen memories for families who have lost their child.
Thank you for reading through my experience, this is not just for the outlet of my emotion, this blog I created on my Son Adyuth's 1st Birth Anniversary to motivate mums who have had similar experience, whatever be the reason losing a child can be devastating and takes long time to recover and know that you are not alone. Will be happy to help in any way I can.
I would also like to raise a fund for babylossNZ to help them keep up their amazing work. Please help with whatever you can and it does make a huge difference to grieving families. Click the link below to donate:
https://givealittle.co.nz/fundraiser/adyuth-awares-you
Share this with as many people as you can, to show that you care and support the families who grieve the loss of their precious life.
- Thankyou!
Sree
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